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Beating a dead horse: More about nursing in public
Thursday, June 14, 2007

Kasia Sokalla is a great mom. Clearly she adores her daughter. In fact she breastfeeds, which we know is one of the best ways moms can show love for their little ones because there is nothing better than mama's milk.

But.....

she is in the middle of a vigorous "breastfeeding in public" debate at her daughter's day-care center. Sokalla insists upon breastfeeding Maya in the reception area and on the front stoop of the day-care. One father complained and the day-care owners do not think it is appropriate.

Pam Greene, director of Washington Street Children’s Center in Methuen, Massachusetts, isn’t so sure it’s the right thing to do in front of other people’s kids. She said Sokalla nurses 18-month-old Maya outside and in the main play area in the thick of the morning drop-off. “We didn’t think that was appropriate,” she said.

Although Greene offered two private rooms for Sokalla to use, she has refused each time.

The more I talk about breastfeeding in public, the more torn I am on the issue. On one hand I know and understand that breastfeeding is the best food for babies and toddlers and I know it is a completely natural practice. I also understand the only reason there is a debate about breastfeeding in public is because the breast has become so sexualized.

And still...

I cannot bring myself to be in this mom's corner. What is so wrong with nursing in another room? Her baby is still going to be fed and parents don't have to get all antsy. Everyone wins, at least on one level.

Let me share two personal stories with you. When I had my first daughter I was absolutely in awe of breastfeeding. It was purely amazing to me. Breastfeeding made me think of the world in a whole new way and I wanted to share it with everyone.

One summer evening after nursing my daughter my husband and I went next door because our neighbors wanted to see our baby. She was only a few weeks old at the time and I was still floating blissfully in the clouds of "new mother heaven". The only thing I could think of was being ready should my daughter need to feed, so I went to a house full of people WITHOUT A BRA ON! I am big busted, so just image the sight. Not pretty! Although I only stayed for a short while it did not dawn on me how horrible that was until a few weeks later when reality set in and my head came out of the clouds. To my credit, though, my mind was steadfastly on feeding my baby. I could care less about the others who saw my floppy breasts.

On another occasion, this time at my father's house, I disappeared suddenly to the bedroom to nurse. A few minutes later my brother came in to see where I had gone and walked in on me with my left breast exposed and my daughter nursing peacefully. He sat there for a few minutes talking until he couldn't take it any longer. He left saying he didn't feel comfortable (he was real sweet about it) to which I whispered, "I'm just breastfeeding."

These two personal experiences help me understand the other side of the debate. Sometimes as moms we get so wrapped up in motherhood we fail to consider other perspectives. Perhaps, like me, it's time for Sokalla to come down out of the clouds.

Photo Credit: Patrick Whittemore, Boston Herald

Labels: breastfeeding in public

posted by Jennifer James @ 7:30 AM,

7 Comments:

At June 14, 2007 8:57 AM, Mamaebeth said...: i have two thoughts, either the mom is trying to make a point about breastfeeding in public or the private rooms offered were unacceptable. I breastfed my 18 month old ds at daycare and i can't imagine trying to do it with all his "friends" coming in and out! it would be very distracting for him. IMO, to choose the front as a place to nurse means something else is going on.

Initially i just BF in the nursery but after a few weeks they put a rocking chair in the office so that i would have a more private space. i was actually quite pleased with their response. i suspect the ladies in his room may have said something to the directors, but they were always very polite, friendly and courteous to me. and using the office meant that frequently the director had to stop working so that i could use the room; she was always gracious and warm. i enjoyed the private space and private time with my baby in the middle of my work day.
At June 14, 2007 12:35 PM, Fat Lady said...: I'm amazed that you can't be in this mom's corner. Everyone, but particularly anyone who advocates breastfeeding, should be in her corner.

In many states the LAW is in her corner.

In New York state where I live, and in New Jersey, where I frequently go to shop, the law basically states that anyplace a woman has a right to be, public or private, she also has the right to nurse her child.

As far as I'm concerned, that is the only right and decent answer. If a woman has the right to be someplace, she also has the right to feed her child in that place. People who are uncomfortable with seeing a mother feed her baby need to remove themselves from the situation.

Though I disagree with you about how much of her body a woman should expose while nursing, I could understand your position on it. I understand that the attitudes and ideas that pervade this society, and that most of us have grown up with are hard to shake off. Getting used to seeing women expose their breasts in a non-sexual manner is understandably difficult for many people.

So, while I think that it's fine for women to expose their breasts while nursing (because I believe that, over time this will de-sexualize breasts) I can understand that you believe that women should keep their breasts covered.

However, I don't understand how any woman, particularly any mother, and most especially any mother who has breastfed and who advocates breastfeeding can possibly believe that it's OK for anyone to ask a nursing mother to hide herself away because other people feel uncomfortable with the sight of her child nursing.

You say that if Sokalia would just go nurse in another room that everyone would win? I say that if she does that everyone loses. Because the misguided belief that breastfeeding is something that should be hidden away persists.

By nursing out in the open, Sokalia is showing that breastfeeding is normal, and healthy. One of the reasons people don't nurse is because we, as a society, are uncomfortable with it. Most of us never saw a woman nursing when we were growing up. I know I didn't and I've met very few people who did. We need to see more and more women nursing - particularly our children need to see more women nursing. Hopefully, when they grow up and have kids of their own, nursing will seem so normal, they won't even consider not doing it.

With my first child I was SO uncomfortable with the idea of nursing in front of other people. I remember when she was only a few weeks old, I was in a Starbucks and she started to cry for food. I draped a blanket over her and being an awkward new mom it was a disaster, she cried and tried to nurse and then started choking. It was awful. I took her to the doctor, worried I'd done some damage. When I told the doctor what we were doing when she started choking, the doctor took the blanket from me, draped it over my head, and asked me how I would like to eat my lunch like that.

I never put a blanket over my daughter's head to nurse her again, but I still struggled with nursing in public. I hid in rooms, hid in my car, hid in the dressing room. At family members houses I went into spare bedrooms, and yes - I even nursed my daughter in the bathroom - anything so no one would have to see me nurse.

By the time my second daughter came around I realized that one of the best things I could do to advocate and encourage breastfeeding was to not hide it away. That the more others - particularly prospective or new mothers - saw people breastfeeding the more they would be comfortable with it.

I have nursed my daughter everyplace I've spent an considerable amount of time. I have nursed her in my older daughters school on numerous occasions. I have nursed her in restaurants and movie theaters and parks and playgrounds and stores, and even while walking through Target. Fortunately, no one has ever said anything directly to me. They would get NY State law recited to them if they did.

Please, as a breastfeeding advocate - rethink your position on this. You are sending an incredibly mixed message by saying that breastfeeding is good, but should be hidden away.
At June 14, 2007 6:18 PM, Doulala said...: Jennifer,
Is the issue that she's breastfeeding in public or that she's exposing herself? From your previous posts I thought your concern was with not being discreet. The article you linked says nothing about her showing too much skin.
It's seems that, once again, people are uncomfortable with the act itself, not how much skin they can or can't see.
At June 14, 2007 9:05 PM, Melissa said...: I agree with doulala, but I also have think that maybe the reason she wants to breastfeed on the steps outside is to get some fresh air. I love to sit outside and nurse my daughter, especially in nice weather and I think that it refreshes both of us. Also, if I'm in public sometimes I would rather sit on a bench outside than nurse her inside a stuffy office. Plus, we all know that sunlight is good for little nurslings :)
At June 15, 2007 7:51 AM, Jennifer James said...: Hi everyone. Thanks for leaving a comment and for reading!

Here's where I stand on breastfeeding in public. I believe all moms should breastfeed, or at least try. I also believe nursing moms should consider the viewpoint of others when nursing in public. There are a lot of people who are not comfortable seeing a baby breastfeed -- as dumb as that is! So while I advocate breastfeeding I don't believe a mother's right to breastfeed trumps everyone else's right not to see it.

For the record, I don't believe in scantily clad women who are perpetually celebrated in our culture either.

I was the type of mother who didn't mind creating privacy between me, my babies and the world. I didn't want other people to see me breastfeed. I didn't want another sole to even see an inch of my breast unless they were related to me.

I was always accommodating to others while I breastfed. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
At June 16, 2007 7:37 PM, Honey said...: I'm probally going to raise some ire with this one...but...you talk about not nursing in public because some people are not comfortable seeing a baby nursed...

Ok..shouldn't we work on that 'cause it's not fair or right to stop a natural expression of love... years ago my girlfriend & I were out with her boyfriend turned husband...she's black he's white. An older couple told them as we were walking in the park how wrong their love was since they were displaying it by holding hands. Since they made that twitty old couple uncomfortable should they stop? No.

Another time I was out with some gay friends. Scott had on a shirt that said 'Gay & Proud.' Lord, that was a tense day when a group of rednecks came up on us & wanted to beat everyone's butt. They went so far as to tear his shirt. Since they were uncomfortable with his sexual choices should he have taken his shirt off like they demanded? (Illegal mace saved the day.)

I have so many of these examples. There was no harm being done by any of these people. Not one of my friends were doing anything wrong or illegal. They were living their lives.

I know my comfort level isn't to bare both breasts, & I'd probally be wide eyed, but seriously...just because someone is nursing a child? Do they ask the mothers who bottlefeed to go to a seperate room?

I hope when my children grow up my girlfriend can be safe from from attack & display her love...I hope S can wear his shirt & perhaps even kiss his partner in public without worrying if some Redneck or Homophobe is going to hurt him.

It's not she's running around trying to squirt people with milk or nurse them, it's not like my friends are trying to kiss or hold your hand...they're existing...not judging you on who you love, how you display it or whether or not the food you provide is made by a cow or human.

Honey
At June 18, 2007 3:37 PM, Eilat said...: Jennifer, I remember a while back you wrote a very positive entry in favor of the apparently controversial piece by Morgan Gallagher that The Lactivist published. But the whole point of that piece was very much like the point Honey was making. All this talk seems to focus on the mom and her rights, but really, its about a baby's right to eat. That should trump anyone's discomfort.

I think most women are not exhibitionists and dont go out of their way to be nude in public. For me, it was never revealing my breast that made my shy, but rather my flabby stomach (LOL!) so I invested in some nice nursing tops and nursed my son everywhere. I bet if more retailers sold attractive easy-to-use nursing tops then most moms would pick a few up to have. But they are hard to find, are usually really ugly and have inconvenient openings (even Motherwear, Im sad to say). I lived in NY when I gave birth and bought some tops from the swiss brand Boob (they are only available in this one place in the US). No one ever knew I was nursing and I was comfortable and so was everyone else. But BF rates are low and most women stop before 6 months so they have no incentive to invest in new clothes and stores like Target and Walmart have no incentive to offer such clothes at fair prices (they sell maternity clothes!).

Im not saying women should have to use nursing clothes, but I bet that if they were availabe and were convenient and attractive, most moms would LOVE the option of not having to expose too much.